LTMWWTOS (Last The Man Who Was Thursday Of the Semester)

CRDaily

I have a grim announcement to make (cue that one Green Day song they play at graduation parties and the end of TV series): because of the start of exams next week this is going to be my last column of the semester.

Anyways, we at the Carolina Review are currently preparing for the spring semester. Starting with the next issue, my co-Editor Bryan Weynand will be transitioning into an advisory role as he prepares to graduate. His time as Editor has coincided with our paper’s golden age. He will certainly be missed next year.

Bryan’s impending graduation has gotten me thinking about my own legacy. One thing I’m particularly concerned with is our institutional longevity. I want to know that whatever momentum we’ve built over the last few years won’t peter out once the current editorial staff moves on.

The Man Who Was Thursday is one of the most important parts of that legacy. When I graduate, I want to pass this column along to an underclassmen who can keep the TMWWT franchise alive. So, I’ve developed an application to become TMWWT’s apprentice. Applicants should perform any and all of the tasks on this SAT (Snark Aptitude Test) that pique their interest in the comment section. You do not have to be on staff to apply.

Post a link to your favorite viral video. (I think that in the modern world you can tell more about a person by knowing the youtube videos he or she watches than by knowing just about anything else)

Write three original staff award ideas.

Give yourself and at least one other staff member a nickname. For example: Lord Nashington

Hitler: thumbs up or down? (sadly, I actually have to ask this to screen applicants)

Would you rather have Sarah Palin as your President or your best friend’s mom.

How many sweaters do you own?

Write three portmanteaus using the word “bro.” For example: Broseph McCarthy or brocassional. (This is a test of your brocabulary)

Midget puns: go.

Fill in the Blank:

Chris Jones has ____ hidden around campus.

Eat the ____.

Write a simile that describes how narcissistic this post is.

SDS President, DTH Columnist and Candidate for Chapel Hill Mayor Implicated in Theft of the Carolina Review

CRDaily

Last spring, some of our staff members noticed that large stacks of our April 2009 issue had gone missing overnight from newsstands in the Undergraduate Library and Hamilton Hall. Considering that this was during exams week, we at the Review doubted that they had all been taken legitimately. We had a long list of possible suspects with a motive to make our April 2009 issue disappear, as the issue had been highly critical of a number of individuals and campus groups. However, we had no evidence of anything.

Until now. One of the groups criticized in the issue was Students for a Democratic Society (“Chapel Hill Hooligans Strike Again”, p. 21). Facebook photos obtained by the Carolina Review show Ben Carroll, the president of Students for a Democratic Society and write-in candidate for Mayor of Chapel Hill, along with Daily Tar Heel columnist Dominic Powell and a third individual, Scott Williams, standing in a pile of destroyed copies of the April 2009 issue of Carolina Review drinking beer and painting their living room. Hundreds of copies of Carolina Review (paid for by your student fee money) were apparently destroyed.

Considering the newsworthiness of this behavior by a candidate for public office, CRdaily is publishing some of the photographs below in order to inform our readers that a mayoral candidate is involved in destroying property, suppressing freedom of the press and censoring dissenting opinions.

These photographs also show how members of Students for a Democratic Society are engaged in a sustained effort to suppress the first amendment rights of those who they disagree with. Last spring, the engaged in violence for political ends against speakers whom they disagreed with. This fall, the Daily Tar Heel was targeted and vandalized with a “special anti-racist issue” placed over their papers. The DTH reacted strongly, even reportedly calling the police and attacked the vandals on their editorial page. Now, we have a staff member from the Daily Tar Heel apparently engaged in even worse behavior.

Update: The students involved have been informed that a complaint has been filed against them in the UNC Honor Court system. The student attorney general will decide by the end of next week whether to file formal charges.