By: Guest Writer Hailey Hart
After Super Tuesday I opened up Facebook to find more status updates than when we survived the predicted Mayan Apocalypse of 2012.
Apparently, the Republican Party is dead. I mean, lights off, no more champagne, DJ went home early, ‘you’re drunk- go home,’ and your Uber is waiting outside, dead. How did Hillary Clinton kill our party like this, one might ask? The answer is she didn’t, and we aren’t dead, but we are trying hard to get ourselves there.
My Republican Party is not dead. My Republican Party is still standing, fighting, and is still the best party on earth. My Republican Party still stands for intellectual diversity, freedom of speech, free enterprise, national security, lowering taxes to help out the middle class, school choice, breweries, and Uber.
PSA: The Republican Party is still Grand Old Partying.
However, to the Democratic Party, I have to ask…do you even go here? Seriously, who are you? You’ve had your fun. #TBT to that time when you told me if I liked my health care I could keep it. Yet, why do I not see one post about how the Democratic Party is dead?
We asked Democrats: what’s the difference between a Democrat and Socialist? You responded: “Idk, what difference does it make?” -Did I misquote #MonicasExBoyfriendsWife? It’s hard to keep up. Judging from the fact that Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders’ poll numbers are about as close as Paris Hilton and Nichole Richie circa 2003, one could argue there is no difference.
To The Old White Socialist and the Aging Criminal:
- Bernie Sanders: I want to love you. Ben and Jerry’s made an ice cream flavor for you, and that’s awesome. Plus, apparently loving you is the cool thing for college students to do right now. Bernie, It’s not you it’s me. Free trade isn’t your thing, increasing minimum wage to your recommended level is unsustainable, I’m not into the idea of a welfare state, taxes are the worst, big government programs don’t work, and they still won’t work when you make them bigger, but mainly I really like using toilet paper (sorry about that Venezuela). Also, I enjoy choosing from 23 different brands of deodorant.
- Hillary Clinton: I should like you. I am a woman so that’s a given, right? I even heard that Shonda Rhimes has modeled some of her characters after you. But I have trust issues and am in complete awe that the rest of our nation doesn’t. You are like the boyfriend who cheats on us over and over again, but we’re worried you might be all we have, so we let you stick around. You know what I’m talking about right? (cough cough Bill). People say you are qualified because you have some pretty esteemed titles; my favorite is “Worst Ethics Violator of 2015.” How did you earn this title? Hate to say it, but it does make a difference. You apparently don’t know how to work email or understand the word ‘classified.’ Your foundation may or may not be a scam, but hey, you’re still taking donations. Also, #RememberBenghazi? Some Americans may think Benghazi is person, a fancy type of pasta, or a yoga pose, but we know it’s more than that. Benghazi was a terrorist attack where American lives were lost. Terrorists are to blame for this attack, but when it comes to government accountability and transparency it simply didn’t make a difference to you. Ugh, and how annoying of those Republicans for wanting answers about the “systemic failures and leadership and management deficiencies at senior levels within two bureaus of the State Department (the “Department”) resulted in a Special Mission security posture that was inadequate for Benghazi and grossly inadequate to deal with the attack that took place- Accountability Review Board for Benghazi.” [Best part of this article- I got that quote from the State Department Website.] Hillary, you are already wasting our tax dollars and expanding the government because it would appear half of all government employees would be necessary to fully investigate your illegal actions. I simply cannot afford for a criminal to be my President and Commander-in-Chief. I hate the notion that Republican voters in 2016 are uneducated. Hillary, you are lucky that the majority of the American people can’t even begin to comprehend all of the crimes you have committed.
So the Democrats have a socialist and criminal running (and the criminal’s winning, for now) the presidential elections, but somehow the Republican Party is dead?
To my Republican Candidates (in and out):
In:
- Trump-eters: I am not sure I get you yet, but you do you. You love free speech and say it like it is (sorta?…). Imma let you finish, but Megan Kelly was the best debate moderator of all time. But, seriously where did you come from? Were you invited? Do you know what you are saying? And can I get a Trump Tie?
- Cruz Controllers: Cruz’ college roommate really didn’t like him, but that’s okay because apparently some people do. Thanks for standing up for conservative and American values, even though he is from Canada.
- Marco-mentums: Marco speaks Spanish and has a cute face. He sells a “Marco Polo” on his website, which is genius and I think he could do great things for our great nation, as long as he stays hydrated (10 second chug).
- One Man Who Supports John Kasich: You have a great record as Governor; you are the moderate no one wanted, but the moderate we have! You believe that love is love and we are growing to love you.
Out:
- Ben Carson: You’re the only one who has operated on Siamese twins (even with your eyes closed!!) Thanks for caring about our health!
- Chris Christie: Thanks for caring about national security. Please never wear a baseball uniform or hug Obama again.
- Jeb!: Thanks for using the proper punctuation to get us excited about 2016! It’s hard to be the one child left behind.
- Rand Paul: People wanted to #StandWithRand, but it just didn’t really happen. Your Twitter is amazing. You’re pretty libertarian, and you have some great ideas.
- Carly Fiorina: Thanks for being a woman I actually wanted in the White House. Enjoy the Cabinet level position you’re going to get in the next Republican Administration.
Each Republican candidate has made it a fun ride so far. I like each and every Republican candidate (those in and out). I don’t believe in every policy or every word that comes out of each candidate’s mouth by any means. I don’t know where this 2016 Presidential journey will take us, but it will not take us to an FBI Investigation or a country that cannot afford toilet paper.
#SorryImNotSorry that I think America is great. I didn’t want to apologize to France for being a leader. I didn’t want to apologize for fighting a war against terror. I didn’t want to apologize for choosing to put terrorists in Guantanamo Bay instead of our backyards. But, hey if the Democratic Party is the one apologizing then aren’t they digging their own grave? The Democratic Party could have been kind of cool- like JFK in aviators- but has turned into a party of ugly pantsuits and a few remaining grey hairs.
If we are going to judge a party by its presidential candidates, then the Democratic Party is dead. I love #FreeSpeech, so say the Republican Party is dead all you want, but don’t lose your fight, because there is no way we are going down alone.
Disclaimer: I did not “unpack my privilege” to write this article, because it is truly a privilege to live in a county with free speech, it is a privilege to vote for the next leader of our great nation, and personally it is a privilege to be a part of the Republican Party.