By: Ana Delgado
Nothing makes sense quite like liberal principles do. We have a movement centered on the notion that progressiveness must somehow be stuck in the past. Does that sound counter-productive? It is- duplicity and incomprehensible ambiguous tones make liberalism the most thought-producing and eclectic political movement. Those that do not understand our methods are Neanderthals; individuals who use outdated methods like logic, sanity, and practicality to govern our nation. These delusional folks are conservatives. These delusional folks are the enemy.
Conservatives continually try to coerce and tyrannize minorities and we continually try to emphasize this false reality. Despite their efforts to use statistics, facts, and evidence (what are those exactly?) to combat these allegations, we have been successful in brainwashing many Americans to believe this! But we do not use this popular anger to promote diversity and equality. We use this tension and stimulated defense by conservatives to fuel even more charges of oppression (mwahaha).
We are quite proud of our most successful takeover in mental thought: the campus of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Oh how we have instigated conflicts here…
Just a few weeks ago, we silenced conservative voices on campus by obstructing free speech (learn that we do not love the Constitution like the Right does) and insisted that they originated the conflict! The fools never seem to get off their high horse of morality (which may be higher for a reason…) and try to get pro-life messages onto the campus with, dare I say, erasable chalk. There was no way we could sit back and be disagreed with on a political level; we had to fight back! And fight back we did… Within hours, their messages were erased and the world was back in its democratic, one-party (those two things go together, right?) utopia.
Conservatives’ morality makes no sense to us. We like to say it’s purely religion, which buys us a few minutes of airtime and a roar of support, but deep down we know that they have constitutional reason for being pro-life. Our strategy is quite simple actually; we call them outdated and say that church has no place in the state. Therefore, we look like wonderful people, tolerant of all religions, beliefs, and backgrounds (except Christianity, but we only criticize them a small portion of the time… some of the time… most of the time).
Apparently the constitution has something in there about due process and equal protection under the law. To be completely honest, some of my colleagues and I do not have time to read such an old document. We believe modernity is power and history is obsolete (except when we need it to make a point, duh). Unborn children only have constitutional rights when it comes to some things, but definitely not in life or death situations! The aforementioned Neanderthals want to give these babies rights, and want them to “prosper in the world”, but we know their true intentions: they want to create an army of conservative children that grow up to oppress the very female gender that birthed them and take away their womanly right to be selfish!
Want to know something shocking? There are women in the conservative movement. Why do they want to be part of something that uplifts all minorities to prosper and reach their potentials through free markets and competitive capitalism? Why do they want more economic growth, more jobs, and higher standards of living? Do they realize they are in a party where males see them as equals? That makes total sense to you? Exactly, it does not to us either. You are learning so much already!
One of our most successful feats here at Carolina, and nationwide, has been our ability to alienate racial minorities from conservatism. We have essentially embedded into encyclopedias that police brutality against African-Americans is the Right’s fault, despite conservatives’ sympathy for victim’s families. Even better, we made the growing Latino population believe that the conservatives are out to get them! We’re quite proud of our scheme’s success. Somehow we turned a matter of national security into a matter of bigotry and racism. There are only some examples of minority populations making the most of the conservative American Dream- nobodies like Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and Ben Carson. Oh and Jeb Bush’s wife, Columba.
There are a few things you should have taken away by now… 1) as long as you use the glittering generalities of equality and freedom, no one can argue against you (we claimed these terms despite the fact that conservatives enforce them). 2) Socialism makes sense because it uses these glittering generalities and no economic terms or logistics.
But most of all, remember: make guns illegal so that only the criminals have them!