Breaking News! I have received inside information reports that Art Pope is continuing his dastardly campaign, twirling his mustache in joy, of taking over the University. The Vast Right Wing communications committee (I’m a nonvoting member) has uncovered that the Papal plot The Papists plot The Pope plot The Illuminati The Pope Center is financing Art Pope’s return to UNC. Mr. Pope will be reenrolling as a student of UNC because he knows that the best way to destroy something is from the inside. He will be working his way through student government until he reaches his final goal: Student Body President.
Not satisfied with buying the Chancellorship, Mr. Pope will use his vast resources to conduct a shadow campaign along with his legitimate campaign for SBP so that he can buy all the votes he needs to take over as SBP. He has seen large success with this technique in the past and hopes it will continue to serve him well. He also has a team of researchers from the Pope Center looking over the Constitution to see if our illustrious and heroic SBP Will Leimenstoll can be impeached. At current publication time, they have about 8 reasons why he can be impeached, including but not limited to: violating the spirit of the Carolina Way, not enforcing laws he doesn’t like, and disliking Carolina basketball.
The radical ideas that Mr. Pope hopes to enact as the dastardly SBP are to eliminate bureaucratic waste, help the University stay financially solvent, institute single sex housing, and keep the Union open 24 hours (he likes Alpine-preferably the Oval Office bagel). Do you know what that would mean? It would mean that the Papists have finally taken over and fiscal sanity will reign supreme!!!!
Who can stop this dastardly (I really like this word, it rolls off the tongue well) plot? It’s certainly not me. I’m a Senior, I don’t give a damn. I think we shall have to rely on a vanguard of students who are willing to vote against the Papacy. The Democrats shall be their example for that. They shall have to work by night, anonymously. They are the heroes that we need, but do not deserve. Their protests should begin by posting 95 complaints on their Facebook pages. Then it should emerge from secretive meetings in the Campus Y. Then finally it will come to light as a Facebook event!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Leimenstoll, I’m speaking directly to you now. If you ever wake up tied to a railroad track with a train rapidly approaching, just know that the dastardly (Best. Word. Ever.) executor is Mr. Art Pope.
How do I know this? I have the same amount of evidence as those who believe he forced out our beloved Chancellor Thorpy. Absolutely none.
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