… because it’s completely made up. As with last week, these news stories are satirical.
Senior breaks up with boyfriend because of decreasing quality of Facebook banter
CHAPEL HILL (CR)- “At the beginning of the relationship, right when we were entering the send-each-other-Bumper-Stickers-everyday phase, he used to write witty posts laden with inside jokes,” said Kristen Ryan. “Now he just sends me ‘hey you <3’ and ‘happy birthday baby.’ Even the creepy guy from my freshman ANTH 101 who posts ‘hey girll, long time no talk ;(‘ puts more thought into his posts.”
Post-Modernist paints a breathe-taking, aesthetically magnificent, and narratively coherent composition that simultaneously moves the soul, pleases the eye, and tells a story, ironically.
YWC revealed to be an elaborate ruse set up by the SDS
CHAPEL HILL (CR)- Many were surprised today to discover that the controversial Youths for Western Civilization (YWC) is really just a front organization set up by the slightly-less-controversial Students for a Democratic Society (SDS).
“We were just really, really bored, and had no good protest ideas,” said an anonymous member of the SDS. “So, we set up this fake, offensive group. All of it is fake. It doesn’t actually have any members or anything. No one- no one actually believes the stuff the YWC espouses. It’s just crazy. And trust us, we’re the SDS. We know about crazy ideas…”
Midget caught in unbreakable cycle of puns
DENVER (CR)- “It all started when I, a little person, moved to the unfortunately nicknamed ‘Mile High City,'” said Bryan McPhatter, Jr.
His troubles continued during his first day of work yesterday, when he was assigned to do all of his division’s expense reports. Said McPhatter, “I got the short end of the stick.”
Then, at the lunch counter, he thought he had more cash in his wallet than he actually did. “I just came up a bit short.”
“After lunch, I got back to the office, only to find that I had been assigned another batch of cold calls. It was just a lot more work than I expected on my first day at a new job. I was in over my head.”
All of these irksome puns got so annoying, so exasperating, that McPhatter contemplated suicide. “But suicide is such a serious, final thing, with so many repercussions. It really is a tall order.”
Increased rates of promiscuity blamed on the ah-ah-ah ah-ah alcohol
Also cited: the goose, the ‘tron, the vodka, the henny, and the blue tap. […yeah, my knowledge of hip hop is at least a few months behind]
Local teenage girl changes profile picture to one taken from a slightly more flattering angle; immediately asked to Homecoming by Captain of the football team
Scientific study shows that Donald Simmons’ day was indeed just “fine”
This dispels Mrs. Simmons’ suspicions that Mr. Simmons was misreporting the true level of excitement of his day.
Snarky sophomore wears t-shirt bearing witty slogan; immediately asked out by the cute, quirky indie chick from his British Lit class
CHAPEL HILL (CR)- “The first day of class, I wore my shirt that says ‘Conspicuous Consumption’ on it, under which it has a picture of a guy buying a shirt that says ‘Conspicuous Consumption,'” said Steven Hinski. “I saw that she laughed a little to herself as I walked by.”
On the second day of class Hinski wore a shirt that said “I decide whether to hate the player and/or the game on a case-by-case basis,” to which she said, “Nice shirt,” with a grin.
Over the last few weeks Hinski has worn shirts that said “Gay Chicken Champion,” “Check out my Livestrong bracelet(s)!” and “I remember when Will Ferrell was funny,” all of which (obviously) impressed her immensely.
Finally, today Hinski wore his “I want to see less Animal Rights and more Animal Fights” shirt with a picture of a cock fight, which was just completely irresistible.