My last three posts were long, serious (for TMWWT), and narcissistic. So my next few posts are going to be short, silly, and have nothing to do with me. Today, I have some satirical news items. Some are just headlines; some are story fragments. If you like them, I’ll post another batch next week (actually, I’ll probably post more next week no matter what, because I have a surplus). Hope you enjoy…
Local Man receives millions from Nigerian Prince
CHAPEL HILL (CR)- When Prince Obayuwana’s father was deposed during Nigeria’s latest military coup, he was afraid that his massive fortune would be confiscated by the country’s new rulers. He needed to get his money out of Nigeria as fast as possible, so he sent a desperate email to every address he could find. One man replied to that email: John Galloway.
“I knew the Prince’s email was important because it was in all capital letters,” said Galloway. “I always respond to emails in all-caps.”
Mr. Galloway and Prince Obayuwana said that the details of their deal were to remain secret, but it seems that Galloway gave Obayuwana a small loan in order to bribe a bank official. In return, Obayuwana gave Galloway approximately 10% of his fortune, equal to about $21 million.
Midgets play game of basketball; passerby’s heart explodes because of the adorableness
DENVER (CR)- According to a witness, “She was fine when she first saw them. I mean, she was definitely overwhelmed by the cuteness, but it wasn’t until she saw the referee, dressed up in his little outfit, with the little stripes and everything, that she was overcome by giggles. You could literally hear her heart explode.”
State officials have duly begun a study concerning the threat posed to the general public by midget recreational activities.
Entire advertising industry quits when they discover that the advertising industry is nothing like the TV show “Mad Men”
Unitarian Universalist accidentally prays to the right God
CARRBORO (CR)- A practicing Unitarian Universalist, Scott White appreciates all religions and all religious figures. So, he prays to each religion’s deity in turn. However that all went awry on Thursday night.
White, who keeps an ever-expanding list of Gods to pray to and another list of prayers to recite, from which he chooses randomly each night, “usually end[s] up praying, say, a Hindu prayer to Mohamed.”
But, Thursday night, White randomly chose to say the Lord’s Prayer to the Christian God. “I was discomforted by the real sense of a true, fulfilling connection with the almighty creator of the universe,” said White.
When asked if he is going to continue praying to the Christian God, White said, “No. I much prefer the vague sense of spiritual uplift that being Unitarian gives.”
Upon further inspection, crop circles revealed to be gigantic game of Tic-Tac-Toe
Obama gives Megan Fox to Vladimir Putin
MOSCOW (CR)- Last week, Obama decided to scrap Bush’s missile defense system in Eastern European in hopes of appeasing the Russians. This week he is going a step further by personally handing America’s greatest natural resource to the Russian Prime Minister and ultimate decision-maker.
Junior preemptively dumps potential girlfriend
CHAPEL HILL (CR)- When David Cooper met Megan Dillard at a house party two weeks ago, he thought they hit it off (though neither of them was completely sober at the time). For the last two weeks, they’ve been texting back and forth. Then, earlier this week, David finally asked Megan to “grab some lunch or something.” It was on this lunch-date that he discovered the shocking truth.
“She seemed genuinely ignorant of my favorite movies, TV shows, and music,” said David. “She didn’t even know my activities. It was like she hadn’t even Facebook stalked me at all.”
When confronted with this galling accusation, Megan admitted that, indeed, she had not Facebook stalked her potential beau. David was forced to end their budding romance.
“How can she really be serious about a relationship if she isn’t even willing to put in a little bit of effort and scour through each of my 382 Facebook photos?” asked David. “If we’re already having problems like this, how are we ever going to get to the change-both-of-our-profile-pictures-to-pictures-with-both-us-smiling-happily phase, or even the sign-each-other’s-walls-daily phase?”
Noooo Anthony beat me to the first comment! I did my best, I did my best (sobbing Dane Cook voice)! Anyway, I liked this one a lot! I'm glad you finally decided to lift your readers out of the melancholia which followed the stunning revelation that you're a former communist.
Argh… Dane Cook… argh…
haha
I guess it's sort of like finding out Reagan was a former Democrat. Wait, I just compared Nash to Reagan…he'll probably love me forever for that, but that's probably still the biggest stretch of an analogy ever.
You're a total jerk. That was the extremely sanitized version of what I had to say.
That would actually be Obama's biggest mistake so far. In times like these, we NEED Megan Fox!
Yes, in fact that is why I think you're a jerk.
I've always enjoyed your humor, well, actually usually it bores me to death cause you insist on telling the exact same longwinded joke to me repeatedly, but this was pretty epic.
My only thought is that you wasted words that could have been used proving Obama is acting foolishly, or establishing a context for further political development, but perhaps I have far too much of a love afair with the archaicly academic.
I guess my excuse for largely ignoring Obama would be that his administration has been so absurd so far that has floated beyond the realm available to satire and into the realm of self-parody.
I guess my excuse for largely ignoring Obama would be that his administration has been so absurd so far that it has floated beyond the realm available to satire and into the realm of self-parody.
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