I must share, at least in part, something that Nash (Review co-editor extraordinaire and author of his weekly CRdaily column The Man Who Was Thursday that will start up next Thursday) shared with me. We were discussing UNC and how anything it chooses to do on any given occasion no longer surprises us. He alluded to Bill Simmon’s Mike Tyson Zone which was apt I think. When it comes to questions of sex and sex education this is especially true.
Although it is against the rules around here to “offend” anyone, crude images of dogs humping each other, of transgendered people’s chests, dildos, and or shouting ‘cunt’ apparently do not fit into this policy. I know, if you are new here, because it happens all the time. UNC feels a constant need to get iin your face and in your pants.
I must admit, however, that the DTH’s article on the ever important Health Services program Sex After Dark surprised me a bit. I suppose they were just reporting the facts, ma’am, but the facts are hilarious. They are hilarious mostly due to their blatant stupidity.
First I offer you a few of my favorite lines in case you missed it. The opening sentence remarked about how “Team Sperm won Body Bingo.” Next a priceless gem from a health councilor: “A lot of the students are coming from abstinence-only educations, so we have some tips on safe sex.” Uh-huh. Lastly, a freshman’s insight: “[it’s timely] Especially this week, I’ve noticed a lot of people were having sex.”
But my all-time favorite part of the Sex After Dark program was the question and answer period. Now I recognize that these questions are offensive, I relate them to illustrate the utter disgusting nature of UNC’s official stance on fornication (a rebuke that is not meant as an un-loving jab). Seriously, it is disgusting but, in context, humorous.
The first question, “What do you do when you’ve been ‘sexiled'”, was met with a reassuring note from the oh-so-purposeful counselors. They answered by saying that of course “It’s good to have good friends to take you in. But talk to your roommate if it bothers you.” Wait, wait, wait. So, I’m confused. What does sexiled mean? (Join me Monday when I call UNC’s Sex Hotline to try and find out!)
The second question was a bit more serious: “Is oral sex while driving dangerous to my health and driving?” First of all, who would ask that? Second of all, why would you ever ever need to ask that? The counselor’s answer: “Blow jobs aren’t bad for you, but if you’re having an orgasm while driving, you’re probably not paying enough attention.” Wow. You can’t make this stuff up.
The third question is even more useless. The person asks: “Is it better to have sex with someone who speaks a foreign language?” The obvious answer: “That is the second stupidest question I can think of.” The counselor’s answer? “It depends if you can give consent in the other language. Love is a universal language. Some sounds translate in every language.” Initial reaction: HAHAHA. Yes, I am sure love is involved. Yep.
Perhaps we are being too judgmental here at CRdaily. Perhaps Health Services is simply doing its part to usher in the Son of Man. I just hope fire and brimstone don’t shower down on me first.