Some time ago, Sports Illustrated sportswriter Rick Reilly wrote a brilliant column called “Your Team, My Team” where he offered a humorous take on sports rivalries. He offered such statements as “Your team sucks. My team is in the first year of its annual five-year rebuilding program”, “Your superstar is a selfish narcissist, my superstar is focused” or “Your pitcher is a headhunter, my pitcher controls the inside of the plate.”
I was thinking that such a column could apply just as well to America’s current political scene, as our politics is turning into something resembling a sports rivalry in terms of hypocritical bias from both parties. And so here it goes:
Your politician is a lowlife adulterous scumbag who left his wife for another woman. My politician is misunderstood and is being persecuted by people with an agenda.
Your party is in the pockets of wealthy donors. My party has influential supporters.
Your president broke his campaign promises. My president has realistic priorities.
Your politician is a crook. My politician excels at politics.
Your columnist is a partisan hack. My columnist calls it like he sees ’em.
Your president wasted hundreds of billions of dollars on corporate bailouts. My president had no other choice in the face of a faltering economy.
Your party’s political humor is tasteless and offensive. My party’s political humor is funny in a non-politically correct way.
Your party was once led by racists. My party’s past leaders had all the faults of white men of their day and age.
Your party’s vice presidential pick is a flaming moron. The main strength of my party’s vice presidential pick is that they can easily connect with average voters.
Your party broke its promises of bipartisanship. My party won’t be held back by the minority party now that it’s in power.
Your party’s leadership is old, corrupt and power-hungry. My party’s leadership has valuable experience.
Your congressman sold his soul to lobbyists and special interests. My congressman is well-connected.
Your congressman wasted millions in unnecessary pork barrel spending. My congressman looks out for his constituents.
The media are your party’s cheerleaders. The media support my party because it has the right ideas.
Your political rising star is a creepy cult leader. My political rising star is wildly popular.
Your candidate’s rallies are full of people that are completely nuts. My candidate’s rallies bring out the base of the party.
Your political party has a corrupt decades-long choke hold on state politics. My party is popular and well-established.
Your president ran up the deficit with reckless spending. My president properly leveraged debt because governments are supposed to run deficits.
Your president spends half his time on vacation. My president needs some well-deserved breaks from the stress in Washington.
Your president puts America in the pocket of Israel. My president supports a valuable ally.
Your party contains people who are absolutely nuts and who will destroy America. My party contains ardent supporters who want what is best for their country.
Your party will destroy us completely. My party will solve all of our problems.
Gotta say, pretty hilarious.
Nice piece!