I have a grim announcement (you should probably be sitting before you continue reading): because of the start of exams next week, this is going to be the last installment of this column for the semester. Beloved Readers, I beg you- do not let your spiraling depression in the face of this sad news keep you from studying and paper writing too long (a few days of withdrawn despondency are, of course, understandable). This is not a farewell column. I will start up again in the fall, and might write sporadically over the summer.
For my semester finale, I present to you my application for the Daily Tar Heel editorial board. I get the feeling that my application is futile- I think the DTH would frown upon an application from an Editor at an ideologically affiliated alternative publication, so I’m glad my application can get some use.
DTH Editorial Board
Name: Nash Keune
Major/Minors: Economics and American History, with a useless minor in Philosophy
Phone: You’ll have to buy me a drink first ; )
Hometown: Germantown, MD
1. Please list your expected personal or extracurricular commitments, your class schedule for next semester and the times that you are available.
I will be spending all of my time in the offices of the august Daily Tar Heel, working as a member of the editorial board, of course.
2. Why do you want to serve on the editorial board?
I have always dreamt of the opportunity to write withering editorials, such as “Plant the seed early,” the hard-hitting expose of the fact that the Tarheel Outreach Program exists. And who can forget the memorable “Crosswalks Necessary,” the subversive column arguing that increasing the number of crosswalks would help organize the flow of pedestrians.
3. What has the editorial board done well this semester? What would you like to see change next semester?
Gosh, this is awkward… I’ve probably sworn off reading the DTH more times than I’ve actually read the DTH.
4. What has the board as a whole done well this semester? What would you like to see the board do differently and how are you able to contribute to that change?
5. How would you describe your political views? Please be more elaborate that just “conservative” or “liberal.”
I have a golf course on my yacht. I chop down virgin rainforest trees so I can make mallets to club baby seals. I wear Brooks Brother’s undershirts and I sleep in a three-piece suit. I believe that any attempt to reproduce the image of Ronald Wilson Reagan is blasphemous, as any representation of The Reagan would inevitably lead to idolatry- namely, my idolatry. In short, I am conservative. But, I also listen to post-rock indie music. At one point in my life, I was a Phish head. In fact, I still own a Phish shirt which was made out of hemp. As a corollary, I can’t listen to country music. Sometimes I refuse to wear seatbelts as a silent protest against the Nanny State. While I do wear sweaters, I do so with a hint of rebellious irony. When I graduate, I want to take a trip to Amsterdam, and not to buy clogs or look at windmills… In short, I am libertarian.
6. Include at least one sample 400-word editorial on a topic of your choice.
Here we go. (They didn’t specify that it had to be a column that I’d written.)
7. Are you interested in being the associate opinion editor?
No title worth holding has ten syllables.
8. Any additional comments or concerns for me should be conveyed here.
If you put me on the board, then I will probably start reading the DTH, at least occasionally. Thus, hiring me would be guaranteed to increase your readership.